Monday, July 29, 2013

Saying goodbye before I've said hello

*** Note *** I started writing the post below a month ago.  For a variety of reasons ranging from being extremely busy to just simply not knowing how to put what I'm feeling in words, I haven't finished it.  I've realized, however, that my lack of blogging is a result of not sharing this... my "elephant in the room" - so to speak.  I need to move past this, but to move past it... I need to finish processing it.

You would think at this point I would be good at saying goodbye before we've even had a chance to say hello... But I'm not.

It's different than the first time. That was a time when we weren't sure if I would ever be able to conceive and were so excited to find out we were expecting. When we found out that we would never get to meet that baby (I call her Grace, although we've never officially named her) it was with heartbreak at losing a little one that we had already come to love and a return to the uncertainty of whether we would ever have our own.

It's different than the other two confirmed miscarriages.  The pain of losing Megan's twin at 15 weeks - and the "dilemma" of figuring out how to grieve for the little one we lost but still be excited for the little one still there!  The pain of after five months of trying, being excited to be expecting another little one - (due 11-10-11!!) only to have to say good-bye and deal with the miscarriage while being halfway across the country visiting family. As well as the practice of saying goodbye after three other suspected early miscarriages...

The truth is though... it is never easy.  It stinks each and every time it happens.  I'm always amazed at how quickly the joy and expectation builds in your heart from the moment you get that positive pregnancy test.  In the first few days I had already started to do the math in my head as to where I would be in the pregnancy at different points throughout the summer and fall... as each event passes now, I have that memory of how far along I would have been in the back of my mind.

I have to remind myself that having children is a gift, not a right.  A beautiful, glorious gift.  We are entrusted as caretakers of their little souls for God.  As painful as it is, I would rather be entrusted with that soul for just one day if that is God's will, than not at all.  But it's hard to remember that always.  There are times when I rail against the unfairness.  There are times when I'm bitter about all those I know that can so easily conceive but desperately do NOT want to.  There are times when I forget that both Karen and Lauren would not be here had I not lost the little one I carried just before them.

So far, I've been kind of stuck in the railing at the unfairness.  I need to get past it.  I do trust in God's plan for my family.  Some days (ok, lots of days recently) I just want that plan to match my own plan.  We all know how rarely that happens.  Forgive me, Lord, for my stubbornness!

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