Monday, March 31, 2014

I'm back!! ...

After several months away,  I find myself needing a space to process a reality that I'm living right now.  My blog seems the most natural space to do it, because the processing I need to do requires that I get thoughts, words, emotions, sorrow, and joy out of my head and out where I can see it.  Since that is exactly what my blog is supposed to be... musings... what better place?!

From Psalms:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; and those who are crushed in spirit He saves."
Oh how I've felt His presence these past few weeks.  I wouldn't be continuing forward as well as I am without holding strongly to my trust in His divine plan - even when it differs so greatly from the plan I would have. And honestly, to say I'm doing well is quite frankly an overstatement.

The short story, which I'll share in more detail in the coming days, is that I'm still trying to process the news we received several weeks ago that the baby I'm carrying will likely never come home with us.  Her condition and the extent of her developmental anomalies and abnormalities are "incompatible" with life outside the womb and may in fact prove fatal at some point in the womb.

Oh, dear Lord... I still don't know if I'm strong enough to process this.  Jesus says in Matthew:
"Let the children come to me, and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

That is a consolation that I am trying to hold on to.  Of all my hopes and dreams for my children, it is that I will teach the know, love, and serve God so that they will spend eternity with him that is most important to me.  I know that I can rest assured of that for this little one.  But, oh how it hurts.