Saying goodbye before I've said hello

*** Note *** I started writing the post below a month ago.  For a variety of reasons ranging from being extremely busy to just simply not knowing how to put what I'm feeling in words, I haven't finished it.  I've realized, however, that my lack of blogging is a result of not sharing this... my "elephant in the room" - so to speak.  I need to move past this, but to move past it... I need to finish processing it.

You would think at this point I would be good at saying goodbye before we've even had a chance to say hello... But I'm not.

My journey - Part 3

Read Part 1 and Part 2 ...

After my “shock” of an ultrasound, we had another sit down with my doctor.  He didn’t really have a whole lot to say by way of explanation other than my uterus and ovaries must have been so under-developed during the laparoscopy that they were just missed.  That has always been a little hard for me to believe… I can understand that explanation for the initial ultrasound, but the laparocopy?!  They had a camera inside of me looking around…

To be honest, I’ve always felt that this was my little miracle and an answer to a question inside of me.  You see, before the first time I went the doctor, but when we were starting to realize that something was wrong with me, I had a conversation with God… I told him that if I found out that I couldn’t have kids then I would assume that he was calling me to become a nun.  After we found out the results of my first laparoscopy, this conversation kept coming back into my mind.  I wondered if God really was calling me to the religious life.  I realized, even at that age, that a calling to a religious vocation was something that God imprinted upon your heart.  I had obviously thought about it and pondered it, but would not have really said that I felt “called”… now I know this is a slippery slope because discerning a vocation takes time, prayer, and a real openness to listening to God’s urging – many people do not give it this attention and so miss their calling… but that is a tangent for another post, another time!

Suffice it to say that I was troubled by this commitment I felt I made – not because there weren’t things very attractive about religious life or because it scared me… it just didn’t feel like a “shoe” that fit me right.  I had not been praying much during this time, because to be honest, I was pretty angry at God.  But as He has a way of doing, He found ways to stay close to me.  So, even through my anger, he brought me around to two things… first, the realization that I very, very much needed Him in my life – that I could not do any of it on my own, and secondly that I also very much wanted to be Catholic (as I was raised) but needed to learn what that meant.

Which brings me back to my “commitment”… it was an ever-present thought in the back of my head and I can remember before my second ultrasound revisiting it.  I remember having another conversation with God that ended with the understanding that there would be more than “just” not having a uterus and ovaries that would let me know I was called to the religious life.  In many ways, the results of the second ultrasound showing that everything “normal” was like a “Yes” from God affirming that I had understood Him correctly.

Back to my journey – my doctor decided that a second laparoscopy was unnecessary as the ultrasound results were pretty clear.  So, the next step was an MRI of my brain to rule out a tumor or mass blocking the hormonal signals.  A week before my high school graduation, I went in for an MRI.  For anyone who has had one done… not the most fun experience!  Luckily I’m not claustrophobic (at least not strongly so) and managed to get through it ok.  We got the news a few days later that my scan came back normal.  Yay!  Having a brain tumor was not something on my list of things to have or do before I graduated high school…

At this point, we were still left wondering what was going on with my body. 

My journey - Part 2

Part 1 of my story here...

So I left off just after my Mom shared the news from my doctor.  We decided to start hormone replacement therapy (hrt) after the first of the year.  This was necessary for me to have any physical development as bloodwork showed that the presence of estrogen and progesterone in my blood to be significantly below normal ranges (essentially zero).  At that point I was 5' 1" or 2" and barely 80lbs... pretty much a twig!  I can remember that between starting HRT at the beginning of January and my next appointment with my doctor in late February, I gained 20lbs... That sounds really significant, but you actually couldn't tell by looking at me.  I only remember because I broke the 100lb mark during that period.

Emotionally, as you can imagine, I was all over the place.  My self confidence which was marginal at best went even lower.  I have been told that people I went to high school with thought that I was kind of "stuck up" or thought I was better than others... the truth was that I was scared to let anyone in too close because I didn't even know how to process what was going on, let alone another person who might have questions for me... and a person who was a little shy to start with became even more reserved.  I can see now how this must have come across to classmates.

I started HRT in January and an odd thing happened at the beginning of March.  I experienced something like a period... I was at school, VERY unprepared, and a little (ok a LOT) confused.  I can remember asking my Mom to explain how this was possible given what I did not have - needless to say she didn't really have an answer.  We called my doctor and he was surprised but did not seem overly concerned with this new development.  He simply added progesterone to my monthly medicine routine.

This continued as the status quo until just before graduation.  We sat down for a more in depth talk with my doctor because I was really starting to have questions - the main one being how was  I cycling if I did not have a uterus?  We decided to repeat the ultrasound and laparoscopy.  I went back to the same ultrasound place and they began imaging me.  Again, the tech left and brought back a colleague... this was starting to get too reminiscent of my first ultrasound!  I remember asking if everything was ok and they simply asked why I was being imaged and what had happened the first time.  I explained everything to them and again asked if everything was ok.  They said yes and that my doctor would call to let me know the results.

The results?  According to this second ultrasound - two ovaries, one uterus... all measuring a little small but all there!!

WHAT???!!!!

SUYL - at least 3 Angel babies...

I'm linking up with Kelly's Korner again this Friday for Show Us Your Life.  The topic this week is for Mom's who have lost children.   This is a group that I KNOW each and everyone of us would not wish ourselves into.  But through God's amazing graces, these experiences and losses have also made us stronger, shaped our  families into what they are, and given us wonderful friends who have helped us through tragedy.

I am in the process of sharing my fertility journey, more of the story is coming soon.  This part jumps a little ahead but I want to share it here for the link up.  I spent better than 10 years thinking that it would be impossible for me to have children naturally.  After nearly 6 months of fertility treatments, that moment of pee-ing on a stick and having it say PREGNANT happened!!  It was Superbowl Sunday - 2006.   To say we were excited is an understatement.  It's hard not to immediately start thinking about the future when you find out you are expecting for the first time... we immediately started talking baby names, made a surprise trip to visit my folks to share the news, shared it with all of our sisters...

My sister was nearly nine months pregnant with her 5th when we found out we were expecting.  Then on March 8th she had a little girl - Katarina.  We went to our doctor that morning for my first checkup (7 weeks) and ultrasound.  To our horror, the ultrasound showed a little sac with nothing in it... no beautiful little heartbeat, no little fetal pole.  It was one of the hardest things I ever did in going from that ultrasound to my sister's hospital room to hold her beautiful new little baby.  It was 4 or 5 more weeks before I actually miscarried our first little one.

We had Karen nearly two years later - how blessed were we!  We started treatments again when she was almost one and I found myself pregnant with twins this time!  It was an exciting time as I have always wanted a big family and as involved as my treatments are, this seemed like such an amazing blessing.  Both little ones were thriving - my doctor had me in every two weeks from about 6 weeks and I was able to see both babies growing via ultrasound.  At my 16 week checkup there was a med student working with my doctor and she conducted the ultrasound.  We happily looked at the first baby and got growth measurements and then the student excused herself to go get my doctor.  I honestly didn't think anything of it.  When my doctor came back he softly but immediately broke the news that the other baby had died around 15 weeks.  We do not know why or what caused the death.  I fortunately did not miscarry the twin I lost as this would have put the other baby in jeapordy.  When I delivered Megan at full term, I also delivered the remains of her twin.  It took almost two years, but we finally buried Emily Rose in the arms of her cousin Jessica this last October.

Last spring, I took a pregnancy test just before we left on a trip to Cleveland to visit family... positive!  After 5 more months of treatment we had been blessed again.  During the visit, however, I started miscarrying and we confirmed that I had lost the pregnancy when we returned home. I found that the sorrow at saying goodbye to another baby was not getting any easier, in fact it was harder.  But, the distraction of two toddlers gave me less time to dwell on it.

In addition to these confirmed miscarriages, I have also had two unconfirmed miscarriages, one other prior to Karen and one other prior to Lauren.  They happened so early that I had yet to have a blood pregnancy test and likely only caught it because I knew we were trying and start peeing on a stick about 10 days post-peak...

It is only through God's amazing love, comfort, and grace that we continued to be able to move forward with our family.  I realize in looking at each of my daughters that I might not know their little souls if we hadn't lost one before them.  I've also come to the realization that motherhood is not a right but a gift, and I am called to embrace that gift even if I only get to know the child in my womb for days and never get to know him or her in my arms.  For as He says in scripture, "Be on the alert then, for you do not know the day nor the hour."(Matthew 25:13). 

My fertility journey - Part 1

I've alluded that my journey to becoming a Mom was long, was very challenging, and for over a decade something I thought would not be possible without the gift of adoption.  While on one hand I have been wanting to share this journey, on the other I've struggled to start.  Sharing this journey is more than "this is what is wrong with me and how I was able to get pregnant"... it is a journey that started when I was in high school, profoundly affected my self confidence, and (I believe) played a significant part in shaping the person I am today... so, in short, sharing this journey is baring a bit of my soul.

So why do it?  Not because I have a burning desire to bare my soul - that's for sure!  But I want to simply because I know how much comfort I found from other women who also struggled with fertility, self confidence issues, etc.  If my story helps even one person - then it's worth it.

My journey started when I was a little over sixteen years old.  My Mom decided to bring me in to her gynecologist because I had not yet started showing any signs of puberty... none.  I'm sure most of you can remember what high school was like... it was challenging enough with all the hormones, figuring out the "relationships" between boys and girls, trying to get emotional maturity to catch up with mental/educational maturity, etc.  Now imagine still looking like you are about 10 or 12 on top of that... I can't begin to describe how self conscious and uncomfortable I was with myself EVERY DAY!  I loved sports and p.e. but dreaded the time in the locker room where it might be obvious how under-developed I was.

The fall of junior year my Mom took me in to her ob/gyn.  They did full blood workup on me and an abdominal ultrasound.   I remember being in the ultrasound room - it was cold!  The tech worked for a while and then excused herself.  She came back with another person and they both went back to imaging me.  After a short time, they both left... this time returning with the radiologist...  By this point I was really wondering what the heck was going on.  As any of you who have been through an ultrasound before - they won't tell you anything.  The next day my doctor called and all he would really say was that they have hard time seeing things on the ultrasound and he wanted to schedule me for a laparoscopy.

A laparoscopy is a scope procedure where they make a small incision below your belly button and insert a scope to check out inside.  It is an outpatient procedure an the main discomfort that comes from it is from the gas they put inside to kind of "balloon" up your abdomen to make imaging easier.  It takes a while for this gas to be absorbed away so after the procedure it feels alot as though you have constant side-stitch... Anyway, I went in on December 8th of my junior year for this scope procedure.  On December 9th, my Mom picked me up from school.  I knew something was up because she only picked me up... not either of my other two sisters...

We ended up parked in front of our church - St. Agnes - and went inside.  It was there Mom told me that my doctor had called with the results.  From the scope he was able to definitively see why they had a hard time finding things (ovaries, uterus) during the ultrasound - it was because I did not have them.  Here I was at 16 being told that I had no ovaries, no uterus... no hope of ever having a family (when all I wanted to be worried about was if I was ever going to have a date!) ...