Preparing my heart for Easter

This has been one of those seasons where time has moved both incredibly slow and yet faster than I can imagine.   I honestly am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that Sunday is Easter.   Tonight we are on the eve of the Triduum, a time that I typically enjoy above all others because I am reminded of how great, loving, and mighty God is.  There is nothing more majestic than the feeling I get every. single. Easter. morning.  There is always something about the sunshine on Easter Sunday that surpasses all other days.

My heart feels so unprepared.  I thought this would be a lent that would prepare me better than most years.  Oh how mistaken I was.  

The saying that you get out of something what you put into it? 

Yep, true.  

Always true.  

I guess the fact that I was handed a cross before the start of Lent doesn't mean much if I don't do anything with it to help bring me closer to Christ.  The reality?  I'm just still struggling to function with this weight on me.  

Don't get me wrong, I trust.

I trust He will give me the strength to deal with saying goodbye to my baby girl if that is His Will.

I trust that He didn't cause this, our imperfect humanness did.

I trust that while He didn't cause this, He allowed it and that I can't see all the workings of His divine plan.

I trust that my baby girl will have an impact on this world, whether she comes home with us or not.

But Trust does not equal acceptance.  

Trust does not mean that I have yet found a way to truly internalize this news that I rationally have already processed.

Trust does not mean that I have found a way to accept this cross with open arms.  Everything in me wants to run away from it screaming in complete and total denial.  However, the fact that I still have my little girl in my womb and each ultrasound continues to show the same devastating news... makes it a little hard to be in denial.

Trust also does not mean that I've done a good job at using this time of sorrow to advance my prayer life.  As much as I am relying on the graces from everyone else's prayers for me, my family, and our little girl - I am having a hard time turning myself to prayer.  

I want to, but find myself oddly resistant.

Maybe it's because when I do pray, the weight of the cross is more of a reality than I want to acknowledge (even though I know that Christ is actually carrying the majority of the weight for me).

Or maybe it's because God blesses me with the emotion that I've been keeping at bay when I pray.  The grief and sorrow that is waiting in the wings feels like it could engulf me.  I say blesses because I feel so numb most of the time that I know those feelings of grief, sorrow, even anger are part of His healing process... but I am finding it so hard to embrace those emotions I know are coming.

Or maybe it's just as simple as a meager attempt at control.  It is HARD for me to admit (and even harder to accept) that I have no control over these circumstances.  There is nothing I can do to fix it.  There is nothing I can do to change it.  I can't help her.  It's amazing how counterproductive we can be sometimes.  If I can't control anything with baby girl, I at least am "in control" of my prayer life and relationship with Christ.

Sound a bit childish?  Yeah... I know.

Back to Easter.  I sit here trying to prepare myself in a way that I didn't take an opportunity to these last few weeks. 

Holy Thursday - Christ's Last Supper and creation of the Eucharist

Good Friday - Christ's sacrifice for all of us

Easter Sunday - His GLORIOUS resurrection...

These days always impact me.  They always find a way to sink in past whatever it going on in my life and renews my love for a Lord that LOVES us this much!

I pray that is the case again this year.  I need it to be so.

I am broken.

As Christ said on the cross, the spiritual and emotional side of me cries out: "My Lord, and my God, Why have you forsaken me?"

The rational side of me knows the answer is really Christ saying to me: "My child, why have you forsaken me?"

I intend to stumble through the next few days making myself confront my resistance so that I can hopefully come before Christ on Easter morning and truly pray Psalm 118:

"This is the day the Lord has made, let us be glad and rejoice!"

Prayer {Monday Meditation}

Fresh on my facebook page this Monday morning was the following:

Just the reminder I need to be more faithful in my prayer life.  There are several things weighing on my heart right now and I realized this morning that I've been trying to carry them alone.

How many times do I have to do this before I learn "the yoke is easy, and the burden light" Matthew 11:30 when I trust in God and turn all things over to Him?!

Finding Balance with St. Therese

Today is the Feast of St. Therese of Lisieux.  Her life, her dedication to loving Jesus, her approach to living - doing all things, especially the small ones, with great love - is an amazing example to reflect upon.  My struggle lately has been finding the right balance.

The balance of household responsibilities and prayer.  She reminds me that the two are not mutually exclusive.  I need to remember more often, in the midst of these responsibilities, to add a prayer.  To dedicate the action to Jesus.  To ask Him to sanctify my work.  To continuously look toward heaven...

Called to Pray and called to act

As I'm sure it is with everyone, the events of Friday are still with me.  I am still hugging my kids tighter, still unable to wrap my heart around 20 little ones never coming home, still praying and wishing that I could do something.  

I was reminded this morning that God, in His infinite goodness, has the ability to draw good from this tragedy.  Not good that it happened, please don't misunderstand... but good from this point forward - and it starts with me, and you.  The graces He will and can unleash as a result of our prayers would overwhelm us if we understood the magnitude.  The families he will draw together in their sorrow.  The person led to conversion of heart because it was finally reached by these horrible acts.  We cannot know what good He will bring but must trust that He will.

Called to Pray - 

A priest friend of mine was commenting how sad that the name of the killer is known - but how little the names of the victims are mentioned.  His thought - find a list of the victims and pray a prayer specifically for each and every one and their families.  A good suggestion.  I would like to take his suggestion one step further. 

Starting today through Christmas Day are nine days.  Nine days of prayer makes up a novena.  I will pray specifically for each victim with a Hail Mary asking for her intercession for the comfort and consolation of their families each day through Christmas.  A novena of prayers for the victims - it's one of the few things that I can offer.  Maybe after nine days of saying their names I will remember them.  Will you join me?

Called to Act -


Mel at The Larson Lingo laid down a challenge in her blog today - 26 Random Acts of Kindness.  She will be attempting to accomplish this by Christmas.   We can all participate - even if it is not 26 or 27 acts ... one small act done with love accomplishes more than having done none at all.

Meditation for Wordless Wednesday

I came across the quote below while praying at Adoration this morning. It really gave me pause as I think we all so often tend to pray for God to change something - ourselves, some circumstance, the world, etc...  and I think I need to let it marinate, resonate, percolate in my brain today.

I do not ask you, Jesus, to change what is to be.

Rather, in whatever there is to be,

let me find Your will,

Your holiness,

and Your opportunity for me to grow.

Fr. Benedict Groeschel

Summertime Glory

On the heals of my post last night where I was wallowing in my pool of self-pity, God reminded me of His greatness.  A summer storm started rolling in just after I posted and it was BEAUTIFUL!

 

And instead of the darkening sky matching my mood, I found my mood lightening as I was reminded of the majesty of God, the beauty of this creation, and that my end goal is not here but with Him in heaven... and if part of getting there is the small trial of tendonitis... well, I better buck up and handle it with a little more grace.

"O Lord, how manifold are your works!

In wisdom you have made them all;

the earth is full of your creatures.

May the glory of the Lord endure forever,

may the Lord rejoice in his works.

I will sing to the Lord as long as I live;

I will sing to my God all my life"

(Psalm 104:24, 31, 33)

Prayer life

In my post about goals, one of the main ones was about my prayer life.  Being that it is Lent, I've been pondering ALOT about this and mostly about my "failure" to meet it.  I intend every day to set aside a few minutes to pray the Rosary (or even a decade) with my girls (even if they play while I say it), or read all or part of the Liturgy of the Hours, or get up early to make it to daily Mass just once in a week, or ... the list goes on

I know I've got those five, ten, or fifteen minutes because hey... I'm having that time to write about it here, right?!

What I'm realizing is two things... First, as a Mom, most of the time you can't "intend" to do something. You just have to do it... does that make sense?  By the time you think about it and plan to do it, the moment and time that you were given for doing it is passed.  I need to get better at seizing those five minutes to say hello to God when they are presented to me.

The second thing I realize was articulated well to me in a post I read today titled "Pray like a Mom, not a Nun" ... "The thing is, my life doesn’t allow for me to pray Liturgy of the Hours every day, say a rosary on a whim, attend daily Mass or spend an hour in adoration every day.  That doesn’t make me less of a follower of Christ.  No, I actually think knowing my limitations and finding God throughout the day allows me to be the kind of Mom he envisions.  I like to say my prayer life is organic.  It changes every day, depending upon where I’m called as a Mom."

So here's my new goal for this Tuesday.  To first and foremost doing a better job of finding God throughout my day and secondly to seizing those moments (not just intending to seize those moments) He does give me to sit down and turn my whole mind and heart to Him, if even only for one minute.

Lauren - 3 months